The blog has been quiet for two weeks. I didn't mean for that to happen, but I knew it was inevitable. #31days of Chocolate in October burned me out, as well as life in general. ... and I had other things on my to-do list and no motivation or discipline to prioritize.
Blogging hit the bottom of the list.
I did however, write the following for Five Minute Friday a few weeks ago... and it's still how I'm feeling. I wrote it out in ink on paper on that Friday and never got it posted on the blog. So I'm typing it now to remind myself of the TRUTH...
The truth is I almost wrote to say I was throwing in the towel and just quitting on blogging. It's not working for me right now. My writing, my dreaming, my thoughts are all a-jumble and I can't make sense of it all and I can't tell what is truth and what is lies.
I seek the truth in which direction I'm supposed to go, which dream I'm supposed to pursue, and then fear and doubt and busyness creep in and make me wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Some days it feels like I'm drowning and I can't catch my breath.
And then I hop in the van for kindergarten pick up and turn my radio on --it's a gift, this radio, because music is a gift and I heard this song... and these lyrics resonated with me...
"Whatever you do, just don't look back,
Somebody needs the light you have.
Whatever you do, just don't lose heart.
Keep on pushing back the dark."
Because the truth is, I've been pushing back on the dark for years now ---and it's that season when the dark comes fast and hard and long and my arms are tired of pushing and I'm not even sure my light is big enough to share with someone, I don't even know who needs it.
And on Monday, I'm all ready to choose joy and count the gifts and the devil comes in and says "no way, not on my watch" and he reminds me of all my failures and how I should be doing this and I should be doing that and when I strain to find the light and give it to others, he pushes back with more dark.
Maybe I'm supposed to stop blogging entirely.
Maybe I'm supposed to take a break for two weeks, 4 weeks, 2 months...
Maybe I'm supposed to leave this blog behind, forget about it and start a new work...
Truth is, I just want somebody to tell me what to do ... Can I be a kid again?
So behind the scenes of this quiet blog has been some canning (applesauce, pears, apple pie filling), card making (delightful Christmas card making), time with friends and family, and a whole lot of wasting time, too.
And still the counting of the gifts...
~robins in the backyard... in November
~making cards... and listing them in my shop
~sharing a gingerbread latte with Wes
~fresh sheets on the bed
~"grace like rain falls down on me"
~music, music, music
~fresh bread (from the bread machine)
~free pears (which I finally canned)
~the beauty of dried corn fields
~counting pennies with my baby girl for homework
~sipping hot tea
~purging my closet space
~apple crisp for breakfast
~talking to my dad
~praying with a friend
~laundry, laundry, laundry
~pre-registering for another semester of higher education...
~quiet in the library
~real maple syrup
~making more cards!!!